‘Are you sure you’re not gay?’ is a question I have been asked at some point by every single straight man I’ve been in a relationship with. When it happened I never questioned it. I never called them out on it. I wish now I’d had the confidence to do so. Instead I just kept quiet and kept my head down and avoided eye contact. My confidence used to be so low. You get worn down when your identity is constantly being mocked and questioned.
I’ve always known I’m bi. I’ve never doubted that. Though I’ve noticed that question gets asked when a whiff of rejection is in the air. I’ve never been sure if it’s being used as a way to pressure me into something I don’t want to do, or if it’s just easier for them to label me as confused than it is to accept I don’t want them, or I don’t want to be sexually intimate with them right that second.
The latter is particularly frustrating for me, because if one person doesn’t want sex, or isn’t enjoying sex at that particular moment, THAT’S OK. Surely it would be better to ask how the other person is feeling or whether something is up, and provide a safe place to talk? Or consider talking about sex and what both parties in the relationship are enjoying/want to do differently? Why does my identity get questioned again instead?!