Pre-Kiss Checklist

Earlier in the year I met a really cool woman whilst out and about in London. We got chatting and went for drinks and to my delight got on so well we agreed to meet up again later in the week . However as far as I was concerned this was only for friendship – and I hadn’t said or done anything to indicate otherwise. So Friday arrived and I was looking forward to another night of hanging out with my new companion. She knew I was bi and I knew she wasn’t straight so I was also happy to get a chance to relax, be out of the closet, and be myself.

After getting some food we went to a bar in Soho. We had drinks. We talked more. We laughed at how these kinds of places always seem to be the size of your living room.We grimaced at the leaky ceiling and shook our heads in bemusement when a member of staff tried to staple napkins to it to stop more bits of plywood from dropping to the floor. Later we got up and went for a dance. I can’t remember what the questions she asked me next were exactly but it went something like this:

“So have you been in relationships with women, or just men?”

I answered.

“And were those, like, proper long term relationships or just short term things?”

I answered.

A minute or so later she slammed her lips against mine. I was very surprised! Maybe I should have said earlier that I just had friendship in mind (but then she didn’t say she was thinking of more either). And maybe I could have picked up on her intentions at some point in the evening and subtly clarified. But I’m not very good at this socialising with other people thing and low self esteem means I struggle to comprehend how anyone can want me romantically. I honestly had no idea she might have assumed otherwise. Oh well. At least I know now for next time.

But all that is beside the point really.

I hate how my sexuality comes with so many assumptions and negative connotations. I hate how she only wanted to kiss me after she had assessed that I was ‘gay enough’ and had ‘dated women enough’ to be a suitable recipient for her affections. If my answers had been different, would I have been judged unworthy? As someone ‘too straight’, too unreliable, and too untrustworthy to be intimate with?  It was a really unpleasant experience.

I am bisexual. And I am ‘bi enough’ thank you very much.

 

 

Introductions

Hello and welcome. This is a space for me to write about bisexuality because I’m fed up of it being ignored, ridiculed and dismissed. I’m sick of fighting to be included. Exhausted from living in a gay/straight world when I’m neither one nor the other. Tired of feeling anxious and depressed from experiencing discrimination, biphobia and bi erasure on a daily basis.

I found that I was writing about the above a lot. As well as blogging about bisexuality in the media and the bi group in Nottingham that I set up and ran too. So it made sense to put all these posts in one place and write more.

I’d like to become a better bi activist, so I will share what I’m learning and doing on that front too.

Please spread the word. Contribute. Comment. Get in touch. Share your lives too.